Like a rollercoaster

Being true to myself is a rollercoaster. Rollercoasters combine amazing views on their highest peaks with turns and twisters that make you forget where up, down, left or right is. Sometimes the ride is scary or overwhelming and there are moments of laughter, butterflies in your stomach, weightlessness and excitement. Before the first time I got into a rollercoaster I was afraid, but once I did it it was amazing and kept wanting to go again and again. For me being true to myself is the same.

In my life I feel I have been lived. That I was not the one making decisions in my life. Ever since I can remember I have been giving myself to someone or something. To a job I not really wanted, a relationship that was safe and comfortable but not right for me or the fear of not being liked.

The Scottisch Highlands 2,5 years ago gave me the experience of physical and mental freedom. The decisions I made there were mine. This very confident and independent woman in me woke up and wanted to show more of herself. My whole life I had been holding her back afraid of what people might think. Those amazing, open and rough Highlands made me feel what it was like to be true to myself for the very first time.

Over time I discovered two important elements for; freedom and openness. When my life has these two elements I feel like I’m in the flow, on my way, following the tracks of the rollercoaster. I notice that I start singing, skipping or smiling for no reason. Because I have been working on this the last years I am almost able to feel my flow slipping away and getting it back. But – because I’m human and did only discover this recently – most of the time I need a very big sign repeated several times to realize I have to get back in my own rollercoaster.

Last year first my body started sending messages. It seemed I never had enough energy and I got sick several times in a row. After this I encountered several people who inspired me with their vision, mission, travel, personal or business stories. Most of them were doing something that seemed impossible; traveling around India exchanging accommodation for painting signs, supporting people getting out of the black hole of unemployment in France for free or creating, connecting and spreading a network of ambitious people throughout the world to make an positive impact on the world.

The signs last year lead to me leaving as much as possible behind (boyfriend, cat, house, stuff, responsibilities and work) and leaving Holland. The plan was 4 months, but I soon realized this was not enough time. This was mostly because I again got distracted of my way. I enjoyed every moment of all the distractions; partying in Dublin, cruising around Ireland in beautiful company and his van, working in a great hostel that just started on Gran Canaria, experiencing the dessert with the same beautiful company, being visited by my brother and dear friend while being away and lots and lots of talks and laughs about life and everything that comes with it.

After a detour of 6 months I finally have seemed to find the safe haven I was looking for in an off grid yoga retreat in the Spanish country. In the two weeks I have been here I felt so happy and I started skipping, laughing and singing again. It feels very good to have found a place where I feel at home in this heartwarming place where I enjoy having deep meaningful conversation with people.

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