The moment where I stopped answering my own questions

After hearing I had a extra day off I decided to spend this one in bed. The days before I was feeling really tired, useless and annoyed by little things that happened to or around me. That night I slept for eleven hours and when I woke up I started watching Gossip girl. But instead of starting to feel better from resting I began to feel more tired, useless and annoyed. Next to these negative feelings frustration entered as well. The days, or maybe weeks, before this day I was thinking a lot about how I want to live my life, but when I thought of something I immediately saw every obstacle and didn’t know where to start to make it happen. I can guarantee you a couple of restless nights from all this going on in your mind.

Making the decision to allow myself to go in a free fall for a couple of months was and still is a very good one. But now because there are so many possibilities I get paralyzed. My brain doesn’t seem to work anymore. All it can do is start panicking when I start thinking about the future or when I look at my bank account. I see different paths for myself but I don’t know what is the right one.

How do I decide what is my path? How do I get rid of this paralyzed feeling? Is watching Gossip Girl really what I want to do? Where will my journey take me? Do I want to go back to the Netherlands? What is home to me? What do I really want to do? How do I see myself? Who am I truly? What is my gift? How do I share this with the world? How can I show myself in the best way? Will I find people who like me for who I am? What will my next couple of months look like? How will I make money? How am I going to live? How do I want to live?

I was sitting on my bed trying to get answers to the questions, but only more questions and obstacles came to mind. Right in the middle of all this thinking of answers a close friend called me. She told me that she was about to book her flight to come and see me with new years. We talked about what she was preparing for diner, the weather, mine and her adventures, her job and boys. At the end of the call I thanked her for calling me at that specific moment. Talking to a good friend got me out of the bad mood I was in.

My roommate came in: “You look so much better than this morning!” And I realized I was smiling again. I felt energy and a need to put stuff in motion. So I took out my computer and started doing what I had in mind. Just following my impulses on what my next action would be. Not overthinking it, but just following myself action after action. I trust that step after step my path will become more clear.

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