After one week back in The Netherlands I’ve already worn myself out. There is nobody else to blame but me. Since I got back I have seen most of my family and friends already, did my first photography assignment, did a thorough downsizing session at my storage and was extremely happy and sad at the exact same moment.

I continued doing exactly the same as before I left. It was as if I didn’t experience the peace and headspace in the last 9 months. Even before I got back in The Netherlands I already had my first week planned with meetings. There was no time for me to relax and come back.

It’s not the rat race that is making me do this. It’s me. Afraid of what might happen when I don’t do it: I might be forgotten and I don’t want to be forgotten. My reaction is to reach out and meet people.

And this reaction is the total opposite of what I’ve learned in the last months. I clearly felt I was done with proving to others I’m worth something (being unemployed for 1,5 years has hit me hard in feeling worthless) and less demanding days make me a happier and open person. And now I was heading the way I didn’t want anymore.

My body, and for a big part my mum, pushed the breaks. 6 days after I landed I was exhausted on my parents couch unable to do anything and tears were in my eyes. My mum had a harsh word with me and than hugged me full of love.

The next day I left my parents place to go back to Leiden, see one of my dearest friends and go to a cuddle workshop with her. In the workshop I was able to unwind, let myself be carried and give love. I was feeling anger and sadness and happiness all in just 3 hours. It’s incredible what a bit of human contact and connection can loosen up.

The workshop ended with a song that I heard million times before. This time every word of the song reached my heart. I was sad and that was alright. I found a great back to support me while going through this and I just cried. And it’s alright. I started on a journey with and in myself and this is part of it.

But the more you push it

The more it’s pushing you back

You can’t rush your healing

Darkness has its teachings

Love is never leaving

You can’t rush your healing